After I gave birth to our first son, my husband and I were inundated with congratulations cards. They poured in from family close and remote, from friends, from colleagues, from random friends of my parents-in-law who I barely knew. They came with gifts and flowers. They filled our bookshelves to overflowing, and I couldn’t bring myself to take them down for more than five months. The communal joy at the arrival of our first child was like a big wave of love that knocked me out with its power.
(Just as well I appreciated it, it turned out since, by the time Son Number Three arrived, the congratulations cards were a lot thinner on the ground!)
But amongst all those amazing cards first time round was one whose message I couldn’t get out of my head. “There are two things we must give our children: one is roots and the other is wings.”
YES – that’s the kind of mum I want to be, I thought, as I saw that for the first time.
I want to give my child roots, so he knows he’s safe, so he has a strong sense of belonging, so he can develop innate self-confidence, so he always has a soft place to land.
And (even though, now he’s 11, there have already been plenty of moments when it’s been hard to let go) I also want to give him wings, so he is independent, prepared to have a go at whatever comes his way, and grows up with the instinct to constantly seek ways to grow and make a difference to the world around him.
But as I emerged from the early-days haze of breastfeeding and exhaustion, a thought came to me that gradually grew stronger and stronger – roots and wings aren’t just what my children need!
They’re what I need, too!
I, as a mum who wants to make a success of my professional work alongside being there for my children, need to be very aware of my roots – the things that ground me, give me confidence, remind me what’s most important to me, connect me to what matters most.
And I need to consciously spread my wings and never let them be clipped “because I’m a mum”, allowing (sometimes pushing) myself to be my best self, to go after my dreams, to get out there and make a difference.
Most of all, I need both.
Roots AND Wings.
Time with my children as part of my week? Roots time.
Time with my clients as part of my business? Wings time.
And so, it struck me – working mums ARE Roots and Wings Mums.
We want both, and we need both. Too “rooty”, and safety, connection and confidence tip over into becoming root-bound, stagnant, too introspective, same-same.
Too “wingsy”, and excitement, drive and passion tip over into becoming flighty, ungrounded, exhausting.
I clearly remember the day, about four months after my son was born, when, thanks to my own flexible work set-up, I went off for the first time post-birth to run a short breakfast seminar for a group of women leaders in the City (I did the occasional workshop like this during the first six months, which suited me brilliantly), and then by mid-afternoon was hanging out with my new-found mummy friends and their babies. The buzz of successfully combining both on one day – Roots and Wings – was immense.
So on this Mother’s Day and beyond, make a renewed commitment to ensuring your roots are deep – that you are connected to what’s most important; that you’re developing the resilience to bounce back as quickly as possible from all the knocks, both at work and at home; that you’re keeping your confidence alive by getting out there and by learning ways to minimise destructive negative mind-chatter.
And spread your wings to their very fullest – never clipping them (or letting them be clipped by someone else), even though your circumstances have changed to include children. Even if you choose to fly in a different way now you’re a mum, you can still fly. It’s about consciously setting the direction you want to head in, taking the steps that work best for you to make sure you have sufficient energy to get out there, and being picky and focused about what you choose to give your precious time to so you can make the maximum impact in the least possible time.
Most of all, it’s about making sure you have both – roots AND wings – so you strike the right balance between all the demands on your time and attention. Now that’s what will make for a properly happy Mother’s Day – and beyond!
ASK YOURSELF:
- What gives you roots? What must you have in your life and work in order for it to feel fulfilled and meaningful?
- And what gives you wings? What makes you feel buzzy, vibrant, alive, energised?
- Pick one thing that jumps out at you from the words that have just come to you as you’ve thought about your roots and wings. What is one small, baby step that you could take to bring a little bit more of that thing into your day today?
Rebecca Hourston is Managing Director of Working Parent and Executive Coaching at Talking Talent, the award-winning gender diversity coaching consultancy that helps organisations retain and nurture their female talent. @TalkingTalent @RebeccaHourston www.talking-talent.com
