Resilience & Wellbeing for Working Parents

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Andrea Palten (she/her): Hello, I’m your host, Andrea Palten. Today’s episode is all about the well-being and resilience of working parents. With us today we have Kristen Bonnet. She’s a fabulous coach and she’s a Content Manager at Talking Talent. Kristen, thank you so much for being here. Can you please tell us a little bit more about yourself and what you currently are doing?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah, thank you for having me. I’m so excited to be here. So, I’m the Coach and Content Manager at Talking Talent. So, what that means is that I support and help manage our associate coaches and I also help create and review our content that goes out to our clients and our participants. Specifically, I make sure that that is coaching-led content, which means that we aren’t just training people or giving people information. We’re giving people information, but we’re also going those extra steps where we coaching and helping them discover how is this meaningful to them and what do they want to do with that information?

Andrea Palten (she/her): I love it. Love it. So, let’s talk about the resilience of working parents. What exactly is your definition of the word “resilience”?

Kristen Bonnet: I think everybody has their own definition. This is a great question because everybody should ask themselves, what does resilience mean to me? Oftentimes when we’re talking about resilience, we mean it’s our ability to manage stress. Sometimes people say it’s our ability to bounce back or bounce forward from things that are stressful. I like to think of resilience as an umbrella and think of stress as rain. And so, in life, we can’t stop the rain from falling, it’s going to fall. But we can make sure that we have an umbrella and that we have a strong, good umbrella. So, that’s the way I like to think of resilience in my life. What helps protect me from stress?

Andrea Palten (she/her): Oh, I love that. We are going to get into some tips because our listeners are both working parents and we have some leaders of companies and HR directors types of people listening. So, I want to ask you a little bit about what companies can do to make life easier for working parents and I want to talk to you about what working parents can do to also get more wellbeing and resilience. So, we’re going to shift back and forth between the two different types of people because we have that type of listener. So, let’s start from the basics. So, how can companies make the workplace easier to navigate for working parents?

Kristen Bonnet: So first I think it’s really important for companies, for leaders to acknowledge their own experience in this, they’re human too. So, this has been an extremely uncertain time that we’ve been in. So, I think one thing that they can do is, to begin with, themselves, and then when it comes to helping their employees navigate this time or the workplace during this time, I think asking them is really important. They will have the best perspective when we’re thinking about our employee’s perspectives, asking them is an important piece to that and communicating with them, making sure that communication is consistent, it’s clear, it’s transparent. When we do ask for their feedback or their insight, making sure that we’re considering that as an employer when we’re making decisions or a leader. So, I think that it’s really important. When we are thinking about benefits, I think it is an important piece. I hear this pretty often about making sure that benefits are easy to access, that there’s not a ton of barriers or hoops that we have to jump through in order to just access something that’s supposed to help us.

Andrea Palten (she/her): You know, I’ve worked at companies where I didn’t even know what the benefits were. It was told in the interview process, and it never really got reiterated. Then I would leave and like, oh, I had free gym and I didn’t know. So, I love that. Yeah, it’s making it easier for people to actually know what they’re getting and how to get there and how to get to those benefits. That’s good advice.

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah, I think truly asking your employees what was easy about accessing this or what was because we hear all the time from employees. I didn’t even know I had this resource or this benefit. Then, when you’re talking about working parents, we already have a million things to do. So, it’s like one or two barriers sometimes pop up and it’s enough for us to put it off to the next day, the next week and then all of a sudden, we’re not accessing resources that could really help us.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. You mentioned uncertain times, so let’s talk about the pandemic. Among the many concerning ways, the COVID 19 pandemic has transformed our society. It’s been even more complicated for parents at work. We’ve seen the statistics. We’ve seen people leaving. We’ve seen people being unhappy and how difficult it was. So, anything from choosing if the parents sent their kids to school or not, even if they get a choice, how they juggle working a full-time job and homeschooling. How do you think this pandemic has changed how companies will treat parents in the future because it’s been a lot of eye-opening all around?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah. It’s really shone a light on really important issues, I think. So, part of it is that work-life norms, I would say, are changed forever when it comes to why do we do the things that we do? We’ve had to ask ourselves those questions and sometimes we don’t know why we do them or it used to work, and it no longer works. So, we’re having to adapt to our new reality. So, what we have found for a lot of the companies that we have worked with, a lot of them are having success when they’re able to be creative. They’re flexible, they’re adapting, they’re being open-minded, they’re being inclusive. They are seeing the unique strengths and challenges that their teams have as individuals and as groups and seeing how that impacts their teams and their work.

I think also it’s changed empathy. That’s become really important. So, when we talked about empathy, we’re really talking about empathy in terms of someone having empathy for someone’s feelings, empathizing with their feelings, I think the pandemic and other things that have been going on have forced us to have different levels of empathy. So now you’re having to empathize with somebody’s circumstances, with their story, with their experiences, with the challenges that they face or have faced or will face. So, I think that there are these new levels of empathy that we are starting to see become really important and meaningful and they’re creating great change in the workplace. Yeah. Then I think then another important piece is being intentional. The pandemic has caused us to have to become more intentional and understand why it is that we do the things that we do. Even one topic we talk about is interactions. If we’re not going to be together, we miss those hallway discussions where we problem solve something, or we got to know our team. So, now we’re having to be creative about how else can we get those needs met and be intentional about it.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah, yeah, for sure. You know, you were mentioning too if companies aren’t doing those things that you mentioned that companies should be doing, people are leaving and you know, there is a name for it now. It’s called The Great Resignation where people are leaving left and right, and we’ve seen a lot of these people that are leaving are the parents that are quitting. So, these people that are now looking for new jobs, what can they do in the interviewing process to make sure they land at the right organization that will take care of working parents and they will look at their needs. Are there any interview questions or anything that they should be looking out for while they’re looking for new jobs?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah. Well, it’s a great question. One, I think is to recognize the stress that can come from deciding to leave a job and starting a new job. So, we already are kind of in a stressful time because of the uncertainty we were talking about before. So, recognizing, I think first why that might be stressful. But then also reframing or taking the time to think of it as an amazing opportunity also that’s come our way for many employees which is the opportunity to think about what is important to me. What are my priorities really? When it comes to my job, what needs does my job build for me? So, sometimes that’s money, sometimes it’s connection. Sometimes it’s a place to be with other people who are experienced or educated in the same thing you are. Sometimes it is for professional development.

So, understanding what needs did I look to my job to meet before and what needs do I need it to meet now? So, maybe if I had my job as a part of what got me connection, maybe I will get connection somewhere else. Is there another opportunity where it doesn’t have to all be on my job? Or maybe I didn’t get a connection before and that’s really important to me and so I’m looking for that in my next role. So, I think getting time to really reflect and what needs do I have, what wants do I have and seeing this as an opportunity to do that and then prioritizing and making sure that you are able to identify what it is that you want and the cost of those things too. We give things to get things. So, being able to say, this is what I’m willing to give if I’m wanting to get this. Does that make sense?

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah, that makes sense. Are there any questions that they could ask in interviews for the employer? Is it okay to say, hey, I have children and sometimes I have to homeschool them, or should they not talk about that? Do you have any advice there on what they can say in the actual interviews to make sure to find out like, hey you employer, are you going to take care of me if I need to leave at four to go to a doctor’s appointment for my child?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah, absolutely. I would say ask those questions and come to the interview knowing what questions you want to ask that are really important to you so that you aren’t finding yourself surprised when you do start working somewhere and you realize, hey, I can’t leave at four. But leaving at four is maybe a reality for my life so now I’m back in the same place I was. So, I think being able to ask those questions and have discussions is important to get the answers, but it’s also important because it’s an opportunity to hear about the employer’s values and to share your values and see if those two things align. I think with The Great Resignation we’re seeing tension when those things are not aligning between employer and employee. So, really thinking about what matters to you, what values you have, what values this company has, and what does that look like in action? Not just on paper and we say we have those values. What does that actually look like? So having open, transparent conversations I think, is a great way to discover that.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah, I think so too. I mentor folks that interview for our marketing jobs and it’s interesting how much it’s changed. Three, four, five years ago you wouldn’t really ask about these things because you were in fear of, well, if I ask for a life/work balance or something like that, that people are going to be like, oh, she’s not going to want to work. Now, it’s really become something normal to ask and the HR directors, they expect you to ask that, or the recruiters and it’s been such a change in the world and especially in the United States. It’s been really interesting to see. We are talking a lot more about our wellbeing and our mental health and how to be just a more resilient person. So, I want to talk about wellbeing and resilience in two different ways. I want you to separate them out for me, the wellbeing and the resilience. So first, what can parents do to look out for their own wellbeing at work or life/work balance? What can they do for the well-being part of it?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah. I think one thing to do is to know that this is one of my favorite quotes to share is “Having needs doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.” So, I think…

Andrea Palten (she/her): Say that again. Say that again. That’s a really good quote. I’ve never heard it. Say it one more time, please.

Kristen Bonnet: “Having needs doesn’t make you needy. It makes you human.”

Andrea Palten (she/her): Love it.

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah. It’s something I wish someone shared with me before I became a mom, before I became an employee. I mean, I wish someone shared that with me when I was young because it’s taken me a long time to learn that and also a long time to unlearn other beliefs I had around needs. The story I would tell myself about how that made me somehow needy and it’s just not true. We all have needs and so I think having the conversation with yourself or with others if that’s helpful to you around what do I need and doing that check-in once a day, a few times a day, but really taking that time to ask yourself, what is it that I need right now? One thing I share is taking inventory because it’s helpful to think of is what does my mind need? What does my heart need? What does my body need? These are different parts of ourselves that we can sometimes neglect and push off. So, maybe my mind needs a break from reading and my heart needs time with my daughter and my body needs rest or exercise.

Well, maybe I can’t give myself all of those things in this moment, but maybe I can give myself one of them or I can think about when can I get that need met. So, I think the best way to get our needs met is to know what we need. So, that’s one piece of wellbeing. I think we could have a whole conversation or maybe we should on wellbeing. But the other thing is that I think when it comes to that and resilience, it’s not something that we want to do in a reactive way. It’s something that we want to do proactively all the time. So, we are always making withdrawals from our resilience bank. We always want to be making sure we’re putting deposits in there too. It’s like our gas tank in our car. We don’t want to just put gas in it once it’s stopped working. We want to always be monitoring that. So, making sure that we are being proactive and not reactive in our resilience. Like I said, it’s a question that people have to ask themselves. What makes me feel well, makes me feel healthy, makes me feel resilient that helps me manage the stress that is inevitable?

Andrea Palten (she/her): So, what happens if you are coming up? So, I’m asking myself that and I’m saying, okay, you know what? I just need a break. I just need time. How do you navigate that at work? If you’re in the middle of the workday and you know you need a mental health break right now. What do I do if I feel like that? Do I tell my boss? What is the best advice you have there?

Kristen Bonnet: Yeah. I’m a person who always starts from the inside out. So, be sure that the way you’re talking to yourself about this is helpful and not harmful or hurtful. We can add stress onto ourselves just by our own self-talk or the way that we tell ourselves a story. So, making sure, what is the story I’m telling myself about this? Then, if it’s that I need a break, being reasonable. Maybe I’m telling myself I cannot take a break. How true is that? So, maybe you can’t take a break right in this moment, but when can I take a break next? Then it is important to be able to reach out to other people and be your own best advocate and share what you need. I think that people are often surprised that people are maybe more responsive to that than we think.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah.

Kristen Bonnet: So, I think the first thing to do is to monitor your own self-talk.

Andrea Palten (she/her): So, you mentioned earlier that you are a mom, and we know that you have a full-time job at Talking Talent. I’d like to ask you personally, what do you do for your own wellbeing? Do you have any like favorite things that you do?

Kristen Bonnet: Absolutely. I like to be alone. I don’t always get that time, but I try, and in the moments that I do have alone, I try and acknowledge I am alone right now. In the car, in spaces, in between, or create those times. So, just time to be quiet in my own thoughts or to not think.  Exercise is important to me. Breathing is important to me too. Just remembering to take a breath. Fun, celebration, we’re coming up on the holidays. I was just talking with one of our coaches that we have, and we were talking about the importance of celebrating and that sometimes the holidays, we talk about them like it’s going to be this time where you’re supposed to almost recover. You’re finally going to have a break. While that’s important, I think it’s also an important time that we are celebrating, we’re taking in what’s gone well.

What are we looking forward to and having that kind of gratitude practice? So, all of those things. I have many things that keep me resilient. One thing I like to share, and I put this in some of our content around gratitude is I use my senses to think about what I’m grateful for. So, I will say what am I seeing? What do I see that I feel grateful for?  It’s my daughter’s smile or the son or the rain when we haven’t had the rain in a long time. What do I smell that I’m grateful for? Is it the coffee in the morning or a bath or the ocean when I get to go there? What sounds am I grateful for? Is it laughter, my friend’s voice, my mom’s voice on the other end of the phone when I haven’t gotten to talk with her in a long time? What do I feel that I’m grateful for? It’s my bed. It’s my feet on the ground when I’m walking. It’s the wind, whatever it might be.

So, I’m telling you that because those are things that are available to us all of the time that can get off the wheel of anxiety and stress which I can get stuck in. Slow and just say take a moment to say what’s going well, and those things are all around us. So, when we start to see them suddenly, we begin to feel like we have all of these resources available to us for our resilience.

Andrea Palten (she/her): I really like those tips because a lot of times we think, okay, wellbeing, how to take care of myself. We’re thinking about a spa day, a week-long trip, but like you said, it doesn’t have to be that. Your feet on the ground, taking a breath, being thankful for the moment. Those are all things that are available all day long for us, for most of those things. I love that. I’m going to ask you one last question and I’m going to ask you to take out your crystal ball and we’re going to talk about the future. So, I know this is going to be difficult because obviously, you can’t predict the future, just like nobody else can. I want to talk about what companies are going to be looking like in the future.

So, for example, there’s a company I follow on LinkedIn, and the CEO always talks about 32-hour work weeks and that is something that he wants his company to go to. He’s going to be giving his folks Mondays off. Then my husband’s company, they have no meeting Monday mornings, no meeting Friday afternoons. So, people can start their week and end their week in peace and actually get some extra work done or prepare for the week. So, there are all these things that you’re hearing all of a sudden that companies are doing. What do you think it’s going to look like in the future for not just working parents, but everybody for more wellbeing and resilience? What do you think companies should be doing or will be doing in the future with all these changes that we’ve seen?

Kristen Bonnet: I think that the data and research is really clear that this has become extremely important to employees that their wellbeing is considered, and they will choose to stay or to go from companies that either care for their wellbeing or don’t. So, I think that that has become an important piece that I don’t think people change. I hope it won’t change.  The ways that employers are going to have to support their employees will have to continuously be checked in on and monitored and be inclusive and include employees’ perspectives and meet employees’ needs. So, there’s no longer a one size fits when it comes to benefits or working. I think that what I was talking about before about being creative and flexible and being able to adapt over and over and over again is what we’re seeing as important.

Then employers and companies who are responsive to what their employees are saying. It’s not enough to ask your employees anymore and to hear their voices. They want to see what’s being done with that. So, making sure that you’re following through. If we’ve asked our employees for their insight into something that we’re including it when we’re making decisions. So, I think that that’s something I hear from our clients, from our coaches and it’s certainly in the research. I mean, there’s a lot that’s changing right now. Then, in addition to that, I think that the idea of just other things that we’ve all experienced, feeling safe, feeling included, feeling represented, feeling all of these things that have now come to the front and employees are taking inventory of that too and when it comes to where they want to work or if they want to continue to work somewhere.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Awesome. I love it. Thank you so much, Kristin, for being here. You’ve been amazing.

Kristen Bonnet: Thank you. This is fun. I feel like I could talk about these things all day.

Andrea Palten (she/her): Yeah, we’ll have to have you back. All right. Thanks so much.

Kristen Bonnet: Thank you. Bye.