How to Build Confidence at Work

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Andrea Palten: Hello, I’m Andrea Palten and I’m your host for today’s episode. Today we’re talking about self-confidence in the workplace. With us, we have executive coach Sharon Hart who will let us know how we can build confidence at work. Sharon, tell us a little bit about yourself, and can you also tell us what an executive coach does?

Sharon Hart: Sure, sure. Thanks so much for having me on. Yes. I work with our clients at the executive level and also in parenting, coaching women in leadership, and really what we’re working on with our one-to-one coachees is looking at what I call blind spots. Really if you think about that rearview mirror, we don’t always see what’s back there and it’s an important tool to see a different perspective to get a different perspective. So, a lot of the work I do with our coachees is around perspective, seeing things from a different angle and also, we do a lot of values work. So how are your values related to your professional goals related to all parts of their lives really?

Andrea Palten: Nice. Love it. How long have you been coaching?

Sharon Hart: I’ve been coaching for nearly 12 years. So yeah, I have been on this journey a long time and really just love it, it is my passion. It’s something that I feel so just excited to do every single day.

Andrea Palten: I love that and what do you specialize in right now when you’re looking at your current coaching clients and what you’re doing?

Sharon Hart: It’s so funny that this is the topic today because I do a lot with our women leadership programs and in particular confidence. The confidence issue is probably top of mind. In fact, I spent the last three weeks doing sessions with my group coaching clients around confidence and how that impacts our performance actually in the workplace.

Andrea Palten: Yeah. I love that and let’s talk about that and let’s go complete basic with my first question. So, what is self-confidence? You just said that it affects you in the workplace. Why is it important in the workplace?

Sharon Hart: It’s so important. So, just a basic Sharon definition of what it is which I think is in alignment with probably an official definition is it’s the belief in yourself. It’s self-belief. It’s knowing that you are capable of doing your job. Also though, this is the part that’s a little bit muddy for some folks is that you’re capable of handling what comes at you whether that’s an unknown or an unknown. So, it really starts with self-belief and again, a belief in your capabilities is really the most basic definition and something that, especially the women that I coach in particular are so curious, how can I amp up my self-confidence and we talk a lot about that.

Andrea Palten: Yeah. So, when somebody is not self-confident at work, how does that show up? What are some of the behaviors that you see when someone is lacking that?

Sharon Hart: Yeah. I mean, we see a lot of shutting down is what I call it. So, you might have the best of intentions as you show up to a project or show up to a meeting. They have their ducks in a row they think, and the first kind of question of their data, a question about contrary thought, any kind of discussion which is always important. I mean, diversity of thought is how we solve so many problems. We find a shutting down, we find completely quiet, I won’t respond anymore. I feel like maybe there’s always a sense of, I just felt like I got my hand slapped, or maybe they’re going to think I’m not capable if I speak up. So, we really see silence and again a shutting down. There also might be, this is a lesser-known cousin of it, but some defensiveness is sometimes what comes up. So, in the midst of conflicting thoughts or even a diversity of thought situation getting very triggered or defensive also shows that that is sometimes evidence of lack of self-confidence.

Andrea Palten: So, is it always apparent to the person? So, I’ve been in situations where I got mad and I would shut down and I would stop talking in a work call and I don’t know, I’m thinking about that. Was I self-confident in that moment or was it just mad? Could it be that we don’t even know if it’s a self-confidence issue?

Sharon Hart: I mean, oftentimes it is a blind spot and that’s why exactly why. I mean, it just fits so nicely into what I said at the beginning because when you’re coaching and someone says, well, here’s what happened. As a coach, I ask and where did you go when you…? I was furious. I was angry. What does that mean to you? When somebody disagrees with your thought what does that mean? That I’m wrong. That maybe they don’t trust me. So, if you go under the surface of that anger, there’s that self-doubt that shows up and it’s clear as a bell. Once you have a coaching conversation about it or a trusted advisor or manager that can help you unpack what just happened.

Andrea Palten: Okay. I like that. I’m going to notice I’m going to definitely pay attention to that next time. Hopefully, there won’t be a next time but if I do shut down where it comes from and why I feel like I want to do that. So, for all the listeners let’s make that a real goal of ours. Always dig down deeper. I love it. Where in all this does imposter syndrome fit in?

Sharon Hart: Yeah. So, imposter syndrome is really right in there with the lack of self-confidence and it’s really this idea that maybe your position has gone beyond your capabilities and that is self-belief. So, I’ll just back up for a minute. I love this metaphor that we use a lot here at Talking Talent and that I certainly use in these sessions this week, which is this tree metaphor. If you think about a tree and people, come to me, come to coaching, come to a group session wanting confidence. If you think of the tree that’s really the branches, the leaves, the fruit. But we know that a healthy tree starts with the root system and a healthy trunk.

So, if we think of the root system as that self-esteem so really that self-regard, and then the trunk would be do you believe you can do it? So how do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you believe you’re capable? And then your self-belief is I can do this. I know I’m capable because I have evidence and so that’s another thing, we talk about in coaching is how do you build evidence around self-belief? Then you get the beautiful, healthy tree, the fruit. So, starting from the fruit or the leaves of the healthy branches is really backward. So, when we think about imposter syndrome it’s just you haven’t caught up with that self-belief trunk yet and that the position that you’ve been put in you don’t have the evidence for yourself, but you can do it. So, there’s a mismatch of self-belief and so there are lots of exercises that I work on with my clients around how do I know that I’m worthy? How do I know that I’m capable? That is not very interesting news that it’s a total inside job. I mean, good news we can control it. The bad news is it’s not based on anybody else’s opinion. What others think can be woven into your self-worth and that’s usually where we find a huge disconnect.

Andrea Palten: Yeah. So, you are starting to tell us a little bit about how we can build that confidence at work already with some of the comments that you’ve made. Is there a framework or other things that we can do to build our confidence at work?

Sharon Hart: Yeah, so I mean, I have some steps that I always kind of walkthrough with, with folks I’m working with on a one-to-one basis, and it is daily. It is something that is a practice. It’s a new muscle for most people. So, we usually notice that the confidence or imposter syndrome is showing up once we get to work. But long before we get to work is that personal reflection time. So, in order to build self-worth, this self-esteem, and this self-belief, you have to create space. You have to create time for personal reflection. Some helpful tips that I usually share are things like a filter for your wins. Are you on a daily basis, on a weekly basis, and on a monthly basis taking in everything you did that worked? What happened right before you got the win? Where was your mindset? What were your actions?

So, we’re very deliberate about when we failed and when I really blew it, and here’s what I did, and we want to spend a lot of time picking that apart. But really the basis of self-confidence is spending as much, if not more time on our wins, on how we got there. What was it about that project or that event or that meeting that had us in the zone? It usually comes down to step two which is preparation. So, many of the clients that I work with are either newly into a higher executive level and they think I just felt like my confidence was shaken. How prepared were you? So, when we look at filtering for the winds, it’s always around, I had my ducks in a row. I really had all the information, which is part of the preparation, but part two is setting an intention for that specific meeting.

So, part of the pre-work in your morning is to look at the positive aspects of what you bring to your organization, all the things you’re doing that worked, why it worked and then preparing. What do you want the group to feel when you finish leading that meeting? What do you want them to walk away with? That’s preparation? It’s not always X’s and O’s and getting your data together. What do you want those folks to walk away with? Andrea has her act together. Wow, she had all the points I was thinking of. She presented confidently and competently. Those are the things we want them to walk away with. So, backing into your end result, your outcome is a great way to enter any meeting. So those are the steps for sure and then we do a lot of work around how to take feedback constructively and how to not take judgment in and to be careful who you’re listening to. Filtering for actual trusted advisors, your manager, colleagues that have your best interest, and not listening to some of the other chatter. So, I think one of the biggest erodes of confidence is listening to other people more than you’re listening to yourself. So, that morning work, that reflection time is about giving yourself airtime to build that up before you even get to work.

Andrea Palten: I really liked that. I think there’s just such a value in that morning routine and setting your day upright. It was such a difference. I used to work at a company where I would wake up, brush my teeth and maybe take a shower and run into the office because it was an hour drive and I would work and it would just be horrible versus when I had time to really get up, get ready and write in my journal and all that and I think that’s such a smart thing. I love that you’re coaching that. Okay. So, let’s say somebody has been working and they’ve been confident, maybe like those people you’re working with right now. They’re new at their company. They came in confident, they kicked butt, they did a good job and then bam, something went wrong, and they did something really bad. They lost money for the company or really a big mistake. Once you’ve lost that confidence can you gain it back and if so, how?

Sharon Hart: It’s such a hard one and here’s the thing to remember. I mean, we use the growth mindset all the time here at Talking Talent and in coaching in general. Growth mindset says that failure is an opportunity. We don’t look at it as a knockdown. So, your mindset around failure is the very first step in being able to receive it. So, if you grew up in a household or in your early career days where if you failed, that was it. Chopping block was up and people were being fired and if you come from a culture of fear, fear of failure, it’s very easy to default to that. So, a little bit of a broken record in my coaching tidbits here, but I always say what is your intention? What is your mindset? How do you view failure? It could be a huge mistake but if you’re looking at it as an opportunity to say where am I going to change this for next time and what does failing mean to me? If you have connected failure to your self-worth, that self-esteem, remember the roots. They’re rotting, they’re getting a disease. That is the basis of your confidence.

So how do you get that back? It’s again, this self-reflection time to say this mistake doesn’t define me. This error I made wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t good for the organization, but I know that every time I’m failing, I’m learning. Every time I fail, I’m actually getting better, and that refining and distilling of who you are in the skills.  So, it’s really a thought. So, a thought we think often shifts into a belief. The old belief might be that failure means I’m bad. Failure means I’m incapable. A belief in capability is tied to self-confidence. It takes time to shift those thoughts and to shift those beliefs. One of the things I ask that’s really interesting on this topic is what do you think when others fail. If you’ve just failed and that makes you “bad” how hard are you on others? Oftentimes there’s this idea of, well, it’s one of two ways. It’s either, no, they’re not able to be on my team. I’m intolerant. So, is there’s some time for some taking stock, some self-reflection there, or is that true or no, I mean, everyone’s human, I get it? Well, are you being as gentle to yourself as you are on others, and why not? If that’s true, why not? You can often trace it back to again an early belief in what failure means. That was a long answer to your question but hopefully, it makes sense.

Andrea Palten: Yeah, it completely makes sense. So now when you have somebody that is maybe practicing confidence, they’re not confident yet, or maybe they’re stepping in a new role, that’s all brand new or they’re doing a new project and they’re not confident. How can they appear confident if internally they’re still working on it?

Sharon Hart: Lots and lots of tricks for this because it is a little cart before the horse. We were just talking this week in this group session, and someone said, you mean like fake it till you make it. I said, well, a little bit. You can’t really fake it. You have to be doing the work internally because there is no shortcut to this. You have to believe it. But on the way to the road to belief, you don’t start out at the end. You build and you take steps along the way. So, a couple of things that help especially when it’s something like presenting or something like a big meeting where all eyes are on you, you have a lot of visibility again are just to be really intentional. So, to observe, where do you clam up?

So, I have a couple of clients that’ll get like a panic attack, or they’ll say gosh, I completely forgot my notes. I had no idea what I was supposed to say. So, a lot of that is again preparation. So, until you get really strong in this muscle, it’s important. It seems redundant but things like filming yourself and watching it over. Oh, it’s too uncomfortable. I can’t look at myself on camera. Well, start there. Let’s get comfortable with looking at yourself and looking in the mirror, looking at yourself on cameras. You’re actually doing a really good job. Let’s start to give yourself some credit. It’s usually very uncomfortable at first but in order to understand you looked down, you started fidgeting and you started shifting in your seat.

As you see that on camera or even watch maybe a Zoom meeting of yourself you can start to see where you got uncomfortable and then you can mindfully do things like hold a pen.  If you’re holding a pen, your hands are still. Remembering to take three breaths before you speak. So, there are a bunch of little physical tips that we can talk about doing. Those little things like posture, the way you breathe, how are you holding your hands, and where are your notes on the page and in front of you can often appear very collected even if inside, you still have a little bit of butterflies going on. So, it really does take the courage to look and gain awareness around how you are presenting. How do you appear to others and then what of that are you able and willing to fix today and start to work on? Lots of tips on that?

Andrea Palten: I had a speaking coach one time tell me that if I’m really nervous I should just say to people like I’m so excited to be here because a lot of the nervousness, the high-pitched voice, the shaking is similar to someone that’s really excited. So, they think I’m excited which I’m really just nervous. So, it’s very similar to that.

Sharon Hart: I love that. I’m going to actually steal that. That is a wonderful thing to say. I will usually talk about is there a story you can tell? Is there an opener? As you’re starting the meeting rather than page one, let’s look through the data and it always feels really stiff. By the way, another great tool is to look at your audience. How are they feeling as they’re looking? This person is very controlled. We’re going right to data or would you rather have someone mention something about a current event or tell a funny story about their morning. Soften the room. It helps you be more comfortable in your own skin. I love that though. I’m excited is a very similar, yeah emotion and I guess even mannerisms to being a little bit nervous.

Andrea Palten: What about body language? Can you fake that and just be snaps straight up? Is there anything else that we can do to make it look like we’re more confident?

Sharon Hart: Absolutely. So, one of the things that we talk about a lot is in preparation. Again, preparation is so much of this because to try to win the World Series without having any practice games it’s just not going to happen. So, think about all the hours that go into it, something like that when you think about practicing this. But, there are power poses that you can do things that make you feel very powerful. So, our brains are connected to our bodies in ways that we’re just now really starting to get a grip on. So, when we do power moves or power poses the muscle memory is actually saved. So, there are things that we can practice giving ourselves affirmations, giving ourselves that boost of confidence, and when we mimic it by putting one hand on our hip or we mimic it by a certain body language our brain is connected again to our body.

So, there’s a muscle memory piece that I encourage working on as well. But again, things like just being reflective about who in the room looks confident. When you’ve looked at leaders you admire what is their body language? They’re always making eye contact and nodding. Their posture is straight. Their posture is confident but yet still approachable. So, being observant with others that appear confident. Again, I think holding the pen or just holding without being clammed up. So, there’s a lot of observation. I think this is an art, not a science. Everybody is drawn to, I guess, a different mode or a different style. So, finding one that feels comfortable to you.

If you’re a quieter person coming in and being telling a loud story and being very gregarious is not maybe going to fit, you won’t feel comfortable. So, finding something that works for the individual, I think is so important. But yes, remembering cues and remembering may be a checklist of a few things that you would remember. By the way, when you do those things it’s another confidence booster because at least I remembered those things that were so important about how I present and how I appear, and I remembered them, and good job me. If you can, again, do your positive list at the end to say I really did a very good job there.

Andrea Palten: That’s really good advice. I want to ask you a little bit more about the leaders that you coach because you mentioned earlier you have a lot of women that are the new executives or any kind of department head. When you are not confident about something, and you are the leader of a team is it better to admit that to the team and tell them about it, or is it better to appear confident so they can feel confident? Where do we land there?

Sharon Hart: That’s such a good question because I think it is both and it’s a mixed bag. So, we know that leaders that are more vulnerable allow us to just take that deep breath, sit down a little more. They’re a human being too. They put their pants on one leg at a time just like I do. So, there’s a point of vulnerability that is really valuable and does show confidence. So, the person that never has a personal story, or you never see their human side actually doesn’t feel as confident as somebody that’s a little bit vulnerable. That being said I had a coachee that was a little bit upset because she came in very frazzled to a very large meeting. She was very senior and someone at her boss’s level said you don’t need to be that vulnerable. Take a moment and get your…, and she was really offended by it.

I said, well, let’s think about that. If you’re at the hull of the ship, if you’re directing things, driving the bus, whatever metaphor you want to use around that, and you’re frazzled and you’re off balance that doesn’t show confidence in your ability to lead. That’s actually a little scary for a lot of people. So, what’s the moment when you take a deep breath before you walk in the door, you straighten out your clothes, you fix your posture. Be mindful, be present, channel that calm and then you can walk in and say, boy, did I have a wild time getting here and I’m so happy to be with you. So, you can still tell this story but showing up in a composed way also says, and I’m here to lead and I’m here very stable on my own two feet. So, it’s both really. I think that’s a really powerful position, just remembering that you don’t have to be as vulnerable as you would maybe with your best friend but to know that you have this position of leadership it’s important to have a little bit of vulnerability.

Andrea Palten: Oh, good advice. Good advice. My last question for you is there a number one tip that you have for people for confidence or any final thoughts you want to talk about self-confidence at work?

Sharon Hart: Yeah. I will just say this is not a one-and-done. You’re never going to be done fine-tuning your confidence. It’s not like you’ve arrived at this confidence diploma and now you’re good. You have your degree. This is the work daily and yes, you can get to a place you desire with your confidence level, and that will continue to reinforce what you get from others. So, evidence that you are confident is oftentimes when you resonate with what you’re getting back. I really liked the way others responded to me in that meeting. I felt heard. I felt well-respected. I felt that what I had to say was important. When you continue to get that, you can see that you’ve made some real progress.

Yet there’s going to be, as you mentioned before, something happens. There’s somebody new on the team. There are, there are so many nuances throughout life that it’s not something you really want to put on the back burner but continue to nurture. Think about this like cultivation. It’s like a tree. You want to cultivate it over time. It needs constant sun. It needs constant water. It’s not like it’s grown and now you walk away. So, I think making sure that you’re continuing to get clarity and distilling who you are, and you’ll evolve over time as well. So, being in touch with yourself, being reflective on an ongoing basis I think is probably the key to maintaining confidence and also having awareness of yourself and others as you move forward.

Andrea Palten: Oh, that’s a great place to end. I love that. Thank you so much, Sharon, for being here and giving us some awesome coaching.

Sharon Hart: Thanks for having me. It’s been so much fun.